L-O-V-E

L-o-v-e. It's incredible how four letters can color everything.

I've heard the word love used in so many ways. I love coffee. I love my new car. I love traveling. I love you. With so many variations of love, does its true meaning become convoluted? Are we busy "loving" everything that we essentially don't truly love anything?

I remember when my boyfriend said to me one day, "I love peanut butter." The conviction and joy in his voice was what caught me off guard. This came before he told me he loved me, and I vividly remember my heart skipping a beat. "He loves peanut butter, but he doesn't love me." For a moment, I felt inferior.. to peanut butter.

Reel it in, Ally, I thought. But, a funny thing happened. When he finally did tell me he loved me, I didn't take it to heart, mostly because it's never been with the assurance of that day when he confessed his feelings towards peanut butter. If he can love peanut butter, I wondered exactly where I measured on his love meter.

What I've come to understand is that it wasn't so much his use of the word that mattered, but more the coloring, the filter I use in hearing that word. It all comes down to what love means to me.

To me, I had to first and foremost understand what it is to love. For many, many years, I searched for love outside of myself, and I could never quite satisfy the quench. I wondered if perhaps I had too high of standards, or I wasn't worthy of a higher love. My poor, exhausted boyfriends could never "love" me enough, no matter how much they tried to show and tell me, I wasn't convinced, because I didn't know how to receive the love they gave, no matter how big or small. I didn't know how to give love. I didn't know what a true, healthy, visceral love felt like. I didn't know because I didn't love myself. I hadn't set the standard. I was just aimlessly blowing in the wind without any direction.

Recently, I've been on a journey of self love, self discovery, of clearly defining what it is to love, respect, value and accept myself. It's only then that I could gage love.

With an actual internal love meter, I am learning to love myself at the highest degree. So much so, that I don't need the validation of another's love. I've also been honoring my intuition, which has helped me evaluate on an intuitive level what someone else means when they use the word love. And the best part of it is love doesn't mean validation anymore. Instead, when someone tells me they love me, I think, wow, thank you. Thank you for loving me because I know what love means and that is a really special thing for you to say. No longer do I shy away from receiving love. And regardless of what that person may mean when they say I love you, I don't take it as them wanting something from me, or as a manipulation, like I did for so many years. I have clearly defined what it means to say "I love you," and it has made my experience with love so much greater.

Actions play a large part in understanding love as well. Others, who have yet to fine tune their love meter, may ambiguously throw the word around. When this happens, I make a point to examine their actions. Are they saying I love you while not following through? Are they saying I'm sorry, I love you, while repeating the same mistakes over and over? This is where I use my love meter to evaluate whether I should continue participating in our relationship/friendship. I must have the highest love for myself in order to gage that experience. If I said I love you, Ally, yet kept disrespecting my body or heart over and over, is that really love? The same holds true for others. If someone says I love you, yet isn't showing it with their actions, it may be time to let them go out of love because you can still love them and wish them well on their journey to love themselves, but they do not have to be a part of your life. Loving yourself means setting loving boundaries, too. And the most beautiful part of exploring the depth of love within yourself is that it's infinite. It's limitless. There is always more love to give, always a deeper love to have, and there will always be aspects about yourself to fall madly in love with.

Now, when my boyfriend says he loves peanut butter, I smile. He's allowed to love whatever he wants because I don't feel threatened by love. Peanut butter is delicious. I've found myself saying the same.

When we clearly define love and all the elements that come along with it, we are able to choose how to react to every single situation in our life. Loving means compassion, empathy, patience, understanding, gratitude, and when I can see the world through that filter, I know that I am safe, and that love can be a beautiful, inspiring consciousness.